The most ironic thing of all is, I think this will be the most difficult breakup I ever go through, and we never even went out

I may have come to the determination that this recent tryst I've been involved in needs to end. The whole affair is quite brief as is the suitor, so I shall tell my wonderful readers a tale of it. For the purpose of this tale the secondary party involved shall be known as "The Professor" (name sake to be explained later)

So, I met this wonderful man on one of my favorite gay hookup/dating sites (Most people use it to hook up, but I am not so inclined). His profile says that he is only looking for friendships or relationships and he doesn't have any naked pictures strewn about it, so I figured I'd send him a message. Well the flattery from him began almost instantly, and boy... is he good at flattery, and wooing for that matter. At any rate I'm getting ahead of myself, we continued to exchange messages at an alarmingly fast rate until finally its decided that we needed to just text as it would make things easier. We began the normal 20 questions game with each other once it moved to the text messaging. I learn that he is quite young (late 20s'), and he is also a Professor at a fairly local, very prestigious college... In a very "smart person/prestigious" field. I was floored and totally didn't understand why he is on the market, but I digress. We decided to meet for dinner (since I don't drink, which is originally what he wanted to go do) on Tuesday the 4th and exchanged 300 text messages in the 24 hours leading up to our date.

The next day I get up and start preparing for our date, I got my hair cut, eyebrows waxed, and ran some general errands. If I was going to go out with such a successful good looking guy I was damned sure going to do it right. The Professor lives and works about an hour and a half away from me which meant that I would have to leave around 5:30 for our 7:00 date. Time seemed to pass extremely slow on this particular day, much like a watched pot as a matter of fact, but it gave me time to go ahead and pack an over night bag (you should always have one whenever going an hour or more away from home of course). At 5:30 when the professor was finished with his work for the day he began texting me. Just light conversation nothing serious but after about 5 messages he told me I was no longer allowed to text and drive. We decided that it would be best to meet at his house and then walk to the Tavern where we were to dine for the evening since parking downtown was horrendous. I arrived a bit late, due to traffic and we were off to dinner.

Dinner went very well. The food was impeccable (he had decided against seafood since I am deathly allergic and said that he would rather kiss me), the conversation was good, but it seemed like all of his responses were brief, not in a rude way but in an extremely intellectual way. After dinner we went back to his house where he invited me to watch some television. I, of course agreed and we were quickly cuddling on his couch, he kissed me lightly just before we found ourselves tangled in each others limbs. We enjoyed 2 episodes of Family Guy before I said I should go home. He asked me to stay on that note, I obliged, and we decided on going to bed shortly thereafter. No I'm no hoe, and with someone that I am seriously interested in pursuing a relationship with I would rather not have sex on the first date/meeting. But in this case, the boy lit candles, so I decided that a pre-slumber blow job would not be unreasonable. He lasted an average amount of time, commented on my amazing skills, and then he was out. I however did not sleep as well because he snored... BADLY (No big deal really)

The next morning he was off to work and I was off to run errands an hour closer to my home. We exchanged some texts but the timing between his responses was intermittent. I figured he was just busy at work. Except that he told me that he hoped he got a hot male dental hygienist when he went to the dentist later (Ummm, RUDE). The intermittent response time continued over the next few days and became increasingly frustrating, but I kept my frustration in check. Come Friday I text him in the morning when I woke up and never received a response. If he didn't ask to see me again on Friday he wouldn't have been able to for the rest of the week, but I didn't push the issue. Finally at 5:40 he text me and asked if I would like to watch a movie. Seriously, at 5:40 I'm supposed to get ready, packed, drive 1.5 hours, and then find a movie to watch? Ugh... Of course I said yes. I arrived at 8 to butterfly kisses and warm embraces. This was wonderful. We went and saw a movie together (The Kings Speech) and then had a very late dinner. During dinner I suddenly realized that I felt very odd. You see, the professor is very much an introvert, he is very very intelligent, and tends to allow a bit of rambling before he bounds into his mental list of questions. I am a very confident and strong person, but this man had suddenly made me abominably insecure! And once that feeling crept up, it didn't wain. I feel like I should now carry a full volume of encyclopedias with me! It was crushing. When we arrived home it was late and the professor was tired so we went to bed. We kissed and cuddled, but no sex as he was too tired.

The next morning (and I promise I'm wrapping this up folks), we got up around 7 (the dog acted as the alarm clock) but we stayed in bed until almost 1030. We fell in and out of sleep, we messed around, I gave him another BJ, and then we decided to move to the couch to watch movies and eat cinnamon rolls. He put them in the pan and pre-heated the oven and then requested I do the rest while he laid on the couch, no big deal though, I like being Suzy-home maker. I brought him a plate full of iced rolls about 30 minutes later and we enjoyed them together before I loaded the dishwasher with the few things we had soiled. We then decided to watch one more movie before I was to head back to my own home.

We put the second movie in and laid back down on the couch. That's when his phone started buzzing. Me, being inquisitive, well I decided to just glance at the text message context, since I was acting as big spoon and he couldn't possibly be the wiser. Of course, we all know what happened next, it was another boy and the text messages weren't just friendly. I kept my racing mind in check, but as soon as the movie was over and I helped him move a table I was out of there. Driving home I realized just how insecure and unraveled I had become over this guy. I really like him, and there isn't any commitment between us at this point, I mean we have only been on 2 dates, so there really isn't a plausible reason for him not to have some other boys around... My problem is... Well, I don't know how to clarify our relationship. I'm not comfortable with continuing down the path we have started if he is even talking to other people, and that's not selfish or wrong of me, but once I had set a date with him I stopped logging onto the hookup site, but he absolutely has not. As a matter of fact, he has been on it constantly. To top it off, the first night at his house I had peeked in the night stand and found his condoms. However, this morning when I peeked again there were some missing and new ones added (I have a photographic memory, so I know for certain).

Now, I'm not sure. About any of it. Friends with benefits is cool, and he hasn't cheated on me cause were only dating... I think... I'm not even sure of the definition of that word anymore... But I don't want to be his friend with benefits, and if he liked me enough to be considering a relationship with me then wouldn't it be worth it to stop sleeping with other people no matter what their circumstances might be? So now I'm left... insecure, and over analyzing, trying to figure out my next move... I only got a good night text from him all day (cause I was NOT going to text him first)... Maybe my feeling of insecurity is actually a warning, maybe I should run now, but I don't want to, so how do I ask if he is sleeping with other people without sounding like a crazy person? How do I convey that that isn't OK without also sounding like a crazy person?

I feel crowded... and alone... and I want to be free...

OK, Here it goes. I haven't done this before but in light of recent, (I use the term recent VERY loosely) events I decided that I need a place to vent and get input, so what better way to do that than to solicit peoples opinions on the internet!? Mostly the reason for this particular forum is that I want to do this anonymously so even though some of my closer friends may KNOW who I am and I appreciate YOUR input I still want to keep this here and anonymous. So thanks for your candor in advance. In this I may reference things from my past but honestly there are just way too many things for me to blog the past so if I refer to something in particular I will elaborate on it and if there are any questions on a particular thing then let me know and I will clarify. I can't wait to finally get some input on all of these things that have been driving me so crazy lately! Anyway, I have to run out for a bit, I'm going to come back and blog about the trials and tribulations of the day a bit later, so stay tuned.